The '90s Steve Madden "Slinky" Platforms Are Returning, In Total Disregard for My Ankl

With the exception of sleeveless, ribbed turtlenecks, the late nineties and the early 2000’s were pretty magical times in fashion. After all, this era gifted us: brown lipstick, thongs-as-accessories, low-rise jeans, and the chunky highlight -- timeless touchstones of American glamour. So when I heard that the beloved Steve Madden “Slinky” platform sandal is scheduled to make its comeback this summer, I smiled wistfully, before remembering that these shoes were actually impossible to walk in.

The official description for the Slinky platform on SteveMadden.com appropriately reads: Relive your best '90s looks with SLINKY! This throwback favorite slide, featuring a flatform sole and stretchy upper, is back and has never looked better — a must-have shoe for longtime SM girls!

And just like that, I’m back in fifth grade, clopping around the metaphorical halls of life in those very Steve Madden platforms, feeling like pretty hot stuff.

Fifth grade me wasn’t worried. Not a care in the world. I’d finally scored a pair of the shoes I’d wanted so desperately -- probably from Rack Room Shoes. My dreams of looking like the human embodiment of a Delia’s catalogue were inching closer by the day. Oh, no, I wasn’t worried.

I wasn't worried that these Slinky shoes were not remotely functional.

I wasn't worried that they barely stayed on my feet, because the stretchy strap can’t structurally hold a ten pound platform.

I definitely wasn't worried they’d go flying off my feet if I so much as sneezed, and like I said, they’re basically two small anvils inadequately strapped to the soles of my feet.

More likely, I was thinking about the butterfly clips fashioned painstakingly in a circle around my “piecey” updo. (A picture of elegance, I assure you.) If the occasion was special, like a Friday night at the roller skating rink (I swear it was cool, then), I would’ve been wearing my one-size-fits-all, but defs-did-not-fit-me, cropped, scrunchie popcorn top. The fact that the shirt starts the size of a golf ball should’ve been indication enough of its ill-fitting nature, but those Limited Too (R.I.P.) bins near the checkout area were highly persuasive.

Frankly, I doubt I’ll be taking part in this nostalgic trend.

Platforms are a lot like spin class. They seem like a good idea at first (“My god, these are comfortable.”), but inevitably turn into a treacherous situation when you take your first teetering step and immediately fall and break your ankle. Either it’s happened to you, or it’s happened to a friend. And, like, more than once.

Why was it that nineties sandals never had sufficient strap support? By way of example, I remember pining over these cumbersome (and overpriced) MIA platforms with a delicate, quarter-inch ankle strap and single-fucking-toe strap. Any kind of structural foot support was, clearly, frowned upon. Basically, it’s a miracle the Spice Girls even have working ankles at this point.

The Slinky is especially misleading. You’ll buy these things thinking you just scored the world’s most comfortable, practical sandal. No more straps rubbing the living daylight out of the tops of your tender toes! But, the devil is in the details, or in this case, the stretchy fabric that self-identifies as a strap.

Back in 1998, my ankles were like the stable trunks of an oak tree. They could rollerblade proficiently, out-run the boys at school, rock a plastic dress-up heel, and comfortably steady a body atop platforms. These thirty year-old ankles are, on their best day, unreliable and regularly protest the most negligible wedge heel. It’s not possible, at this point, to throw an precarious platform back in the mix. Those days have come and gone, and these ankles are sticking close to the ground.

If you’re a youth, or you annihilate spin class on-the-reg and have obscenely strong ankles, this retro trend might be for you. Pre-order a pair here for a cool $69.99.

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Brittany Kilpatrick is an attorney and co-founder of Bonded Magazine. She likes carbs, reading, pondering the intricacies of Donald Trump's spray tan, Beyoncé, Thesaurus.com, musicals, fully replacing her daily water intake with La Croix, and her dog, Tucker.

You can find her on Facebook or Instagram: @brittany.kilpatrick or on Bonded social media: @bondedmag.