I Know The World’s Most Insufferable Man. He’s Married To My Best Friend.

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Dear Bonded,

I can’t stand my good friend’s husband. It sounds harsh, but after years of giving him chances, it’s where I’m at. When I first met him seven years ago, the night he and my girlfriend met, he was charming, gregarious, talkative and engaging. He’s the type of guy who is immediately likeable. But over the years, I’ve watched his relationship change toward me and our friends. As I’ve gotten to know him, an inner jerk has emerged. He’s rude and abrasive. He frequently overindulges in alcohol, which certainly doesn’t help. He shouts. He makes up stories or exaggerates events for storytelling purposes. He cuts off anyone and everyone, especially women, and especially if they disagree with him. Did I mention he always has to be right? He has literally motioned for me to “zip it” -- put his fingers to the side of his mouth and pretended to zip them. Another time, at a Superbowl party I threw at my house in which coworkers, friends, and family were invited, he cut my mother off mid-sentence and talked over her several times. I was horrified. It’s not that he prevents my friend from hanging out with me -- not at all. It’s that he is so unenjoyable to be around. I dread hanging out with him in every setting, and she wants him to come to everything. How do I maintain my friendship with my friend that I love so dearly, without simultaneously resenting her for constantly bringing around her deplorable husband?

Sincerely,

I Wanna Divorce My Friend’s Husband

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Dear I Wanna Divorce My Friend's Husband,

Situations like these are more awkward and tension-filled than a reunion episode of the Real Housewives of Insert-the-City-of-Your-Choice. Unfortunately, we don’t have Andy Cohen to help us navigate life’s relationship quandaries, so you’re going to have to be your own Andy Cohen. Tensions like the ones you described are not only terrible in the moment, they unconsciously change how you interact with your friend. It’s impossible to avoid being around the offender, in this case, her husband.

Most advice on the topic of assholish significant others comes down to the following: talk to your friend; just be honest; talking will fix all the things. While the advice is well-intentioned, in my experience, it’s naive. For one, it matters that this is a good friend. If this wasn’t a good friend, I’d tell you determine whether the friendship is worth putting up with her significant other’s bad behavior. Since she’s a good friend that you’ve known for nearly a decade (at least), it’s worth taking the time to find a solution. Another consideration is that the jerk -- we totally agree with you on this one -- is your friend’s spouse. This isn’t a casual, new, or passing relationship; it’s her spouse, someone that she’s committed to for, at least, the foreseeable future. If you want her in your life, you’re going to have to find a way to navigate her shared existence with her husband.

As someone who has tried the just-talk-to-your-friend tactic about the beloved monster who sleeps in her bed, let me tell you: it has worked zero percent of the time. In fact, it’s only served to drive a wedge between me and that friend. In the words of ‘ole Billy Shakespeare, love is blind, so don’t bother trying to talk any sense into love-drunk peoples. They. Won’t. Pick. You. It’s the harsh truth, but it’s the truth. I say this out of love, and also from experience. You don’t make their loins do a front-handspring-step-out-round-off-back-handspring-step-out-round-off-back-handspring-full-twisting-layout, so you’re not getting picked.

Having said all that, is there anything you can do to preserve your sanity and relationship with your friend? Two words: girls nights. No S.O.’s invited. Since Cal-from-Titantic -- I mean your friend’s husband -- is not worth trying to connect with (could you even get a word in?), it’s advisable to get your friend alone as often as possible. You don’t have any obligation to hang with your friend and her husband as a couple. If she asks, come up with an excuse (“I need to reorganize my napkin collection!”), but suggest an immediate follow-up plan for the next week with just the two of you (“Let’s grab dinner next Tuesday, though. Just us. I’m dying for a marg.”)

A couple more rules of thumb to keep in mind as you move forward with your friend. Group parties and get-togethers are inevitable, so when you see your friend’s husband, keep it short and cordial. It’s not worth stressing her out and creating more tensions by engaging with him. He’s clearly operating at the maturity level of Sean Spicer after he gets asked a reasonable question by a reputable reporter, so don’t bother going deep with him. Something else to keep in mind, unless you are trying to claim the crown for Queen of Petty: when throwing a party or group get-together, if you invite your girlfriend, invite her husband. I wish I didn’t have to say this, but apparently, I know way too many people competing for the Petty Crown. It’s one thing to arrange a spouse-free dinner or happy hour; it’s quite another to plan a large get-together and purposefully exclude your friend’s significant other. If you invite her, invite him. Otherwise, don’t invite either of them, which will be necessary in certain situations, like if your mom or coworkers are going to be present.

If nothing else, this, hopefully, resorts in an inordinate amount of girls nights.

Love,

The Bonded Editors

Editor’s Note: Please understand that this scenario does not address substance abuse problems, alcoholism, or people who are in recovery or practicing sobriety. For more information or resources visit: The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration or call the National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357). This scenario also does not address mental, emotional, or physical abuse in an intimate partner setting. For more information or resources visit: RAINN or call the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).