Brunched Out: I Can't Keep Up With My Friends' Drinking

Our Dear Bonded series examines your toughest friendship and relationship questions. If you'd like us to deep-dive your friendship questions, email us at info@bondedmagazine.com, or any of our social media outlets, @bondedmag (FB, IG, Twitter).

Dear Bonded,

I've been friends with the same core group of women since college. While a few people have come and gone, the bulk of our group has remained the same for the past seven years. In college, we would go to parties, tailgate, and go out to the bars together all the time. Since graduating, it seems not much has changed – except, maybe, our discovery of bottomless mimosa brunches. The problem is, I can’t, nor do I want to, drink as much anymore. It is incredibly expensive and no longer the priority it once was for me. Not to mention, that with each passing year, my hangovers get exponentially more painful and easily induced. Quite simply, my bank account and my body just can’t keep up. The problem is: I feel like my friends never want to just hang out unless there is alcohol involved. I don’t mind a happy hour, or even a boozy brunch every once in awhile. I just want more from my friendships and wish we could mix things up a bit with some non-intoxicated activities. I have known these women for a long time, it seems crazy to me we can’t find anything else to do together. The worst part about all of this for me is that if I decide to opt out of the festivities, I am left out entirely. It makes me feel like an outsider with my friends, and I don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,

Brunched Out

---

Dear Brunched Out,

I understand how you feel. Changing or, in your case, stagnant friendship dynamics are incredibly difficult to navigate. You have a few options, and truly, there isn’t one right answer in these types of situations. As with all relationships, the nuance of the bonds with each of your individual friends will ultimately guide your decision on how to move forward.

First, it’s helpful to understand the role that alcohol often plays amongst friend groups. You may use this information to inspire new activity ideas that can foster some of the same feelings without the late nights, hefty credit card bills, and pounding headaches. The makeup of friendship can be broken down into four generalized categories of behavior: producing and affirming intimacy, demonstrating trust, negotiating the parameters of the relationship, and providing care, while managing tension between autonomy and responsibility. Studies have shown alcohol assists in lifting inhibition and inducing vulnerability as it relates to these friendship behavior categories. However, there are plenty of other activities you can partake in, without alcohol, that can foster the same type of connections.

For example, joining a sports league or team of some kind allows for an opportunity to negotiate parameters with in your friendship. Rock climbing, or something similarly challenging, is a chance to demonstrate trust that your friends will help ensure your safety. Activities like movies or book clubs on relatable topics can foster intimate dialogue and encourage friends to open up to each other. The idea is to find activities that allow you to feel intimate, create memories, have fun, forge trust, and ultimately, strengthen your bond as friends. Let your friends know these are activities you want to try and ask them to join you.

However, I imagine that your problem is likely more than a lack of non-alcohol related things to do, and instead, is a lack of their interest in these sober activities. After all, you can’t make anyone do something they do not want to do.

You could continue attending the group get-togethers, but simply choose not to partake in the booze. Having tried this before, I realize it is easier said than done. Whether it is the seemingly unending pressure to order a drink (Yes, adults experience peer pressure too) or the constant barrage of questions (Are you pregnant?), your friends may end up undermining your enjoyment of the day. Unless you really want to make an announcement about your decision not to drink, be discreet. Order a seltzer, and most of them won’t even notice.

The upside of this tactic is that you are with your group, and you won't miss out on any of the stories. If you suffer from a serious case of FOMO, this is the way to go. The downside is that you are sober while they are intoxicated, and if they are like most of my friends, that can get old real quick. A couple drinks in and I think I am pretty funny too.

If none of these avenues produce fruit, you may need to consider reevaluating your friendships with these women. I am not suggesting you dramatically break-up with all of your friends. Instead, the idea is to examine each friendship for common interests, mutual support, level of trust, and shared priorities. It requires you look at the individual friends outside of the group context and determine where you see that friendship going. In my experience, people are quick to apply a strong scrutiny to their romantic relationships, making conscious decisions about whether the person they are with is a good fit, for a variety of reasons. However, they often fail to apply that same critical thought process to picking friends, or maintaining friendships.

It is very important to understand that we can, and should, be making thoughtful decisions about the people we spend the most time with.

If you find that you no longer truly share the same values with your friends, it may be time to reconsider. Strong friendships, ultimately, are built on more than a mutual history. Unlike familial relationships or marriage, friendship does not have a defined or widely accepted set of terms to ensure longevity. As Dr. Sarah MacLean of La Trobe University in Melborne explains, “Friendship is therefore uniquely contingent on the ongoing production and enactment [sic] of the relationship.” Friendship requires people to continually engage in acts of friendship and grow together in their interests and beliefs. The unfortunate fact is that sometimes, instead, we grow apart.

I wish you the best of luck, Brunched Out, as you navigate this weighty, but surprisingly common, relationship territory. As Jim Rohn famously said, “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” so choose wisely.

Love,

Bonded Editors

Editor’s Note: Please understand that this scenario does not address substance abuse problems, alcoholism, or people who are in recovery or practicing sobriety. For more information or resources visit: The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration or call the National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)