Why Must You Suck At Friendship: The Lost Pages

As the co-founder of a friendship magazine, it should come as no surprise that I spend a great deal of time talking about the best parts of friendship between women. I believe with my whole heart that female friendship serves as both the foundation and the catalyst for tremendous growth for women; nothing is as powerful as women supporting other women. I also believe that far too often, we are shielded from the great value female friendship adds to our lives. The media consistently portrays women as untrustworthy, shallow creatures that make far better frenemies than soul sisters. It is our mission at Bonded to help dispel those myths so that women live fuller, richer lives together.

But, I am a woman and I have female friends, which means, I know it isn’t all butterflies and cupcakes everyday – although, butterflies and cupcakes sounds like a place I’d like to visit. Friendships take work, dedication, and often a lot of patience. I may study, write, and read about female friendship on a regular basis, but I am by no means a perfect friend, or the end-all-be-all expert on the subject. In addition to the books, articles, podcasts, and social media I consume, along with the stories I hear from other women, I am, of course, going to draw upon my own relationships for content inspiration. None of my friends seem to mind this, or say much of anything at all, so long as the themes are along the lines of Dearest Friend, I’m Thankful For You or Everything You Need For The Perfect Girls Night In.

However, my friendships can be just as messy, complicated, and complex as everyone else’s. It is when I start talking about these more challenging aspects of friendship that people start to get riled up. Everyone wants to know, Are you talking about me? The answer is: probably not, but maybe.

So in the spirit of our Bonded Book Club March read, I’m Judging You: The Do-Better Manual by Luvvie Ajayi I bestow unto you the lost pages from the chapter “Why Must You Suck At Friendship?”*

*Disclaimer: Luvvie isn’t just funny, she is brilliantly hilarious, just ask Shonda Rhimes, Issa Rae, or Oprah Winfrey, a modest sampling of her fanclub. I, on the other hand, am not a comedian. I am overly literal, often forget the punch lines of jokes, or am laughing too hard at myself to finish a funny story. The only people who find me consistently humorous and entertaining are Brittany and my mother. So, carry that with you as I try to do her justice.

**Double Disclaimer: Of course these aren’t actually lost pages. These are simply a couple types of friends that I believe deserve a full serving of Luvvie style side-eye. Not to worry, I will be judging all of you, and myself, through the process.

Luvvie gave us: The friend who competes with me (The Competitor); the friend who only calls when they need something (The SOS Pal); the friend who will one day get you beat up or arrested (The Adventurer); The friend you don’t/can’t trust (The Lannister); the friend who you don’t really know (The Surface); the friend who is mean (The Frenemy); the friend who yeses you to death (The Enabler); the friend who is undependable (The Flake); and, the friend who disapproves (The Holy Roller).

These are the pages she forgot.

The friend who gabs too much (The Chatty Cathy)

There are people in this world with beautiful voices -- the kind we could listen to read the phone book and when they reach the end, we applaud their performance and beg for more. Chances are, you are not those people and neither is the Chatty Cathy. The Chatty Cathy has a lot to say and plans to say it all, in one sitting, and preferably without interruption or commentary from the peanut gallery.

It is girls’ night out. You’ve got your reservation set for your favorite restaurant in town where the food is good but the atmosphere is even better. The lights are dim enough to avoid running into your annoying neighbor Susan, and it is just loud enough to dish all the juicy bits of life without the entire restaurant listening, but quiet enough that you don’t have to yell. The margaritas are the absolute most – pomegranate and lime swirl, because you are fancy like that – and after the week you’ve had, you can’t wait to taste that first tangy tequila sip. Cathy walks in. You hug. “Hey girl! So glad it’s finally Friday. How are you?” It is an hour and a half later when Cathy first comes up for air. You’re finished a pitcher of margaritas and your entire meal at this point; her food is ice cold and remains untouched. How could she eat between words when there wasn’t even room for air? Besides, any break in the flow might yield the floor to someone else at the table, and Cathy has no time for that.

You love Cathy, and you want to know about her life. But at some point she confused conversation with monologue and hasn’t been able to find her way back – or perhaps, she doesn’t want to. This friend talks so much that you really only hear a fraction of what she says, because after the first 15-minute-long run-on sentence, you stopped listening and started counting the polka dots on the table cloth. Your eyes have glossed all the way over and you’re starting to fidget with anything you can get your hands on, wishing and hoping for this telethon to end.

If you are this friend, I am judging you. But also, I stand with you in solidarity, because I can be this friend. In fact, a strong percentage of my favorite people in life have a penchant for the sound of their own voices. I am friends with a lot of lawyers, which could be part of it. Lawyers are a special breed of human that just can’t resist the urge to dictate any and all conversations they enter, including, but not limited to, asking and answering their own questions. All of this could help to explain what I like to call the Battle of the Cathys. This is, ironically, one of my favorite kinds of nights. It mostly involves everyone talking loud, fast, and over each other with total disregard for societal rules of decorum – not a place for the faint of heart.

My advice to all us Cathys out there: shut the hell up from time to time. You can learn some great stuff about your friends by listening.

The friend who shit talks behind your back (The Gossip Queen)

As Roxane Gay explains in Bad Feminist, “Everybody gossips, so if you are going to gossip about your friends, at least make it fun and interesting. As a corollary, never say ‘I never lie’ or ‘I never gossip’ because you are lying.”

Gossip is entertaining, I get that. Entire franchises have been built around it, and I enjoy every shallow minute of them. Hello, Housewives -- and bless you Andy Cohen. But when gossip is left totally unchecked, it is harmful, hurtful, and exactly why so many women are afraid to invest in meaningful female friendship. The Gossip Queen (GQ) knows no boundaries and takes no prisoners when she wages a covert war against one of her friends. She works in the shadows, but the pain she inflicts rarely stays secret and can cause drama for an entire friend group. The GQ seems to have an opinion on everyone and always a salacious story to sell -- facts be damned. She can seem exciting at first, and usually pretends to be doing this for your benefit, to save you from “insert current friend of interest.” This friend cannot be trusted. This friend makes you reevaluate the company you keep.

You are posted up by the cheese and crackers – prime party seating, second only to the spot on the edge of the couch that is within arms reach of the dessert table – when GQ arrives. You watch as she scans the room, the wheels in her head turning trying to determine which member of the group is missing tonight, the poor soul who will inevitably become the center of all conversation. Tonight it’s Tiffany.

GQ is subtle in the way she begins to do her work. Making her rounds strategically. First, she takes a seat next to Whitney, a whisper in her ear followed by the signature, “I’m just saying” shrug of false innocence, in hopes to elicit any dirt Whitney may have on Tiffany. When Whitney doesn’t bite, she moves on to the next, and then the next. Until, she finds the person who is harboring just enough resentment toward Tiffany that she takes the bait. Now, the feeding frenzy begins. She is so conceited. She thinks she is perfect. But did you see her new boyfriend? I heard he is cheating on her already! This is the ugly kind of gossip, the kind that stings when you find out – and you always find out. The thing about GQ is that no one is safe. It might be Tiffany this time, but rest assured, if you are not in attendance next time, it could be you. She stirs the pot then leaves the rest of the group holding the smoking gun to take the fall for the mess she made.

The bigger the reaction she gets when she talks about you, the more she does it. You can quickly become her favorite topic of conversation. She’ll have you singing Mariah Carey on repeat because, girl, why you so obsessed with me?

If you are this friend, I am judging you. And honestly, you should be judging yourself. Get your gossip under control or you are going to go from friend to foe real quick.

Hopefully, you’re none of these friends. But if you are, I’m judging you.

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Samantha Shapin is an attorney and co-founder of Bonded Magazine. She is most at home when it snows, and almost unbearable to be around during the summer heat. She loves to cook, snuggle her fur-babies, and DIY her way through life.

You can find her on Instagram @Imsocooked