I Watched The Britney Spears Biopic, Britney Ever After, So You Don't Have To (But You'll Wa

It’s been called a car crash, a train wreck, oddly compelling, tacky, and the “alternative facts” Britney Spears. Britney Ever After, Lifetime’s latest celebrity biopic released on February 18th, 2017, attempts to recreate Britney Spear’s tumultuous career -- and I watched it for you, so you don’t have to!

Think back to 1998 -- back before the world had discovered “Toxic,” experienced a python-laden VMA performance with Britney Spears, or watched Chris Crocker’s famous “Leave Britney Alone” video. This was a time when jean overalls, cheese puffs, Furbys, and DVD players were celebrated facets of our American culture, and the world had just barely heard Britney Spears’ first release, “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” It’s in this year that Lifetime’s latest celebrity biopic, Britney Ever After, appropriately begins. In one of its most controversial biopics ever (and there are lots!), Lifetime attempts to show the rise, fall, and comeback of Britney Spears, all in ninety minutes. I know what you’re thinking: that’s impossible; there’s too much.

You aren’t wrong.

Get ready for a whirlwind ninety-minute whiplash session. Hope you don’t get white dudes with brown hair easily confused with one another, because if so, you’re going to be asking yourself: “Wait, what happened to Whatshisface?”

Few modern icons are worthy of such poorly-funded biopics as those produced by Lifetime. Britney Spears now stands in the same company as Anna Nicole Smith, the Craigslist Killer, and Jodi Arias. If you’re expecting to see a recreation of “I’m A Slave 4 U,” complete with dance-heavy sequences, rippling sweaty bodies, and Brit’s signature low-slung jeans, think again.

If Lifetime’s aim was to make a movie so terrible that I couldn’t turn it off, they succeeded. I’ll admit: I joyfully watched all ninety minutes, gobbling up all the quasi-true Britney dramatizations in true pop-culture-addict form. It’s not surprising that Lifetime would eventually attempt a Britney biopic. Despite the passage of time, Britney Spears still enamors me. I grew up listening to “Oops I Did It Again,” learning her dance moves, and adding her signature Britney “baby” accent to every one of her songs I sang. She’s a diva, and I love her for it.

With that in mind, here are my most noteworthy thoughts and questions after watching the factually-questionable biopic.

1. Justin Timberlake uses “bomb diggity” in his vernacular and doesn’t stutter.

As if Lifetime needed another reason to remind us we were in 1998 without the flip phones, wide legged pants, and crop tops, the writers had Justin Timberlake employing quite possibly every relevant slang term and phrase of the day. Prepare yourself to revisit “bomb diggity,” “straight buggin,” and ending any statement directed at a woman with “girl.” My favorite line was uttered by Justin to Jamie Lynn Spears whilst wholesomely constructing a sandcastle together one day at the beach: “Every bomb castle’s got a fly moat.” Poetry.

2. Apparently, the “Sexyback” star was insecure, jealous, and clingy AF in the shadow of beloved modern icon, Britney Spears.

Lifetime implies that Justin Timberlake’s jealous and clingy nature is what ultimately led to the demise of Stinky and Pinky. (Stinky and Pinky were the real-life, not-gross-at-all, super-endearing nicknames Britney and Justin gave each other. For some reason, we as a society did not collectively designate them a combo name like Brangelina or Bennifer?) A visceral and receipt-laden article published by Buzzfeed in 2016 seems to agree that Justin is a pretty terrible person. Who would’ve thought this insecure, ramen-noodle-haired, boy band lead would eventually gift us “Sexyback” and Janet Jackson’s beautifully-adorned nipple?

3. It’s not you, this biopic moves faster than Britney dodging the TMZ paparazzi in a flashy, open-air convertible.

In the time span of barely one scene, Britney walks off the 2003 VMA stage after kissing Madonna and kicks off her fifty-five hour marriage and subsequent divorce to childhood friend, Jason Alexander, just before waltzing into the arms of backup dancer Kevin Federline. If you had any doubt that this movie could squeeze every important detail of Britney’s turbulent career into the ninety-minute construct of a Lifetime movie, here’s your proof. Don’t blink, because I did, and I nearly missed the touching moment Britney’s manager paid new hubby, James Alexander, to “go get a drink,” while he and Brit’s mom rapidly convinced her to annul the well-thought-out, incredibly responsible match made in heaven.

At least she lived in a state where annulment is statutorily recognized?

4. Lifetime couldn’t get licensing rights to a single Britney track, not even “Piece of Me.”

Not one Britney track made it into Britney Ever After. You read that right: a Britney Spears biopic without a single Britney Spears song. Maybe that should’ve told me something.

But it didn’t! Don’t worry; I kept watching!

5. Lifetime Britney’s unfortunate dance kills don’t extend beyond a quivering hip thrust and walking slowly in a straight line. So there’s that.

As if the licensing issues weren’t enough, the actress who plays the iconic pop dancer who basically invented the chair dance, can’t hit a single move.

The only dance moment that gives me life is when Britney and choreographer, Wade Robson, audition dancers from her upcoming tour. These people were actual dancers and who can resist a classic dance montage littered with messy buns, chunky highlights, and quintessential 2000s athletic-wear? Not this thirty year old woman.

6. Speaking of dancing, a dance-off is allegedly how Justin and Britney ended their relationship.

Lifetime alleges that after Justin and Britney stumble upon trying times, the couple ultimately ends the relationship in a dance club -- with a public dance-off. If you consider US Weekly to be a reputable news source, they actually confirmed that this movie-worthy moment happened. Since US Weekly is basically The New York Times of celebrity gossip in my world, I’m going with the dance-off being completely factual.

Despite Britney’s epic all-gold, dance-off ensemble, complete with a glittery 2000s-era tube top that implies: “winner,” the only detail that Lifetime leaves unclear is who won, My bet’s on Britney.

7. Did Britney Really Break Up WIth Kevin Federline Via Text Message?

After a short-lived, stormy marriage, culminating in the discovery of Kevin Federline in a nightclub surrounded by a gaggle of unidentified women (Surely they thought he was someone else. Maybe a member of New Kids On the Block? Or 98 Degrees? ANYONE ELSE.), Britney enlists the help of her long-time manager in getting a divorce. Naive manager forebodingly tells Britney to “lay low” (it was 2007, by the way). Without skipping a beat, Britney sends Kevin a short and sweet text message to alert him to the upcoming legal proceedings: “I WNT A DVORCE.”

Lifetime Britney couldn’t even be bothered with vowels she was so over Kevin. In a few short words (can we even call them words?), Britney Spears told Kevin Federline to take several seats, because she’s fucking Britney Spears. This is like the sticky-note breakup of divorces. Perhaps some creative liberties were taken by Lifetime, but I’m hoping -- praying -- this perfect moment is true.

8. Why Does Kevin Federline Have a Six Pack?

Lifetime Kevin > Real Kevin.

9. Every time Britney gets upset, someone from her management team offers her “chicken.”

Not fried chicken, baked chicken, seasoned chicken, chicken fingers, chicken wings, or chicken parmesan specifically. Just, “chicken.” I imagine two flesh-toned, unseasoned, overcooked chicken breasts on silver platter.

“Do you want some chicken, Brit?” might be the most memorable line of the biopic.

Despite the low-budget set, shoddy acting, and factually questionable details, I did, technically, watch the entire -- at most -- two star film. Part of me wonders: I can’t believe someone thought, yep, this is the finished product. I am ready for the world to see. Another part wonders whether perhaps, Lifetime knew that we, as a country, needed a mental break -- permission -- to indulge in the simplistic beauty that was 1998 for ninety minutes. Maybe we needed to revisit this joyous, bubblegum pop period of our cultural history -- a time when Britney spears reigned pop queen in her skin-tight hiphuggers and rubber jumpsuits. A time when music videos cost more than full-length movies, when TRL was the most important show on television, and when the ability to perform a sophisticated dance sequence was more important than your singing abilities. It was a beautiful time. So while I don’t think Britney Ever After will be winning any Oscars anytime soon, it succeeded in taking me back to a happy period of my childhood, and for that, I’m grateful.

Or, in Britney speak: “4 THT, IM GRTFUL.”

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Brittany Kilpatrick is an attorney and co-founder of Bonded Magazine. When she's not writing, she's spending time with her very naughty Boston Terrier, Tucker.

You can find her on Facebook or Instagram: @brittany.kilpatrick.