I Thought We Were Better Friends Than This

Continuing our Dear Bonded series, our editors examine your toughest friendship and relationship questions. If you'd like us to deep-dive your friendship questions, email us at info@bondedmagazine.com, or any of our social media outlets, @bondedmag (FB, IG, Twitter).

Dear Bonded,

I recently found out that I was left off the list for a weekend getaway planned by a few of my closest girlfriends. In trying to plan a party that same weekend, I noticed I wasn’t getting even basic responses from my squad. Another friend, who was also not invited, quietly pulled me aside and let me know that most of our crew was already headed out of town. I was in shock. I thought we were better friends than this. As it turns out, the getaway I was excluded from was in the works for nearly six months by friends I see every week and speak to every day. We all have different groups of friends that don’t always overlap -- I get that. What bothers me the most is not that I wasn’t invited. It was the fact that it was concealed -- intentionally -- for so long. It felt like they were lying to me by keeping this secret when I was trying to plan my get-together by not responding to my invite. How do I go about mentally compartmentalizing feeling left out and lied to and not feeling so hurt? Or have these friends earned “untrustworthy” status?

Sincerely,

Left Out Lady

---

Dear Left Out Lady,

First off: I feel you. We’ve all been there, and it doesn’t feel good. Your feelings are real and valid, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!

As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to understand a few things. Not everyone gets invited to the party, and that’s okay. Financial constraints, space limitations, interpersonal relationships,and changing relationship dynamics are all sincere reasons for not inviting every person we know and love to every event. It’s hard when it happens to you personally, but it’s the honest truth.

What isn’t okay is if your friends have intentionally taken actions to conceal this from you. It’s possible that the subject just never came up, but since you mentioned seeing them so frequently, that sounds like it’s not the case. If they have taken actions to hide something, you have a few options.

Self reflect. Do you have a history of overreacting? If so, it’s possible they didn’t tell you out of fear that you’d overreact. If you have a history of becoming overly emotional in certain situations, this is a great opportunity to start working on your physical responses to emotionally-charged situations. Don’t take the situation too personally, and keep doing you!

Talk to them. Maybe you missed something. Did you say something to your friend a few months back that hurt her feelings? Perhaps this was just a trip for friends from a certain locale or a certain period of their lives. It’s possible that you aren’t privy to those details and a simple chat would clear the air, and provide you with some understanding.

Just do you, and plan your own party! Sometimes people are immature and don’t live up to our expectations. This happens. Don’t waste too much time fretting about people who aren’t prioritizing you. Good friends will do that. These may not be those kind of friends. So, plan your own party, whether that be with one friend, a few friends, or yourself. Pour some champagne, dim the lights, make some finger foods, put on some good music, and enjoy yourself. I’m really a believer that you become who you dwell on -- so don’t dwell on people and their actions or inactions that disappoint you. Rise above that, and focus on the people or things that bring you joy.

Hope this helps.

Love,

Bonded Editors