Bring Them Into The Fold, Girl

Introducing the first submission in our new series, Dear Bonded. If you'd like us to deep-dive your friendship questions, email us at info@bondedmagazine.com, or any of our social media outlets, @bondedmag (FB, IG, Twitter).

Dear Bonded,

I’m having trouble with the other women in my office. I’m a new associate at a medium sized firm in town. We’re a pretty small office, and there aren’t many other women attorneys. The entirety of management and partners are men. Despite there being few women at all, the female attorneys don’t get along. They don’t get along with each other, and they don’t get along with the assistants and paralegals. I’ve noticed a ton of competition, bossiness, not working well on projects together, gossip, and the like. Personally, I feel like a total outsider, as if they are icing me out on purpose. The underlying animosity toward each other is definitely getting to me. It’s really frustrating, and my male colleagues have noticed. I know I can’t fix everything, but what can I do on my part to make this better?

Signed,

Tired and Exhausted Esquire

---

Dear Tired and Exhausted Esquire,

So there’s a lot to unpack here, but I definitely feel you on this one. Working around people who aren’t getting along can be incredibly draining. I have a few ideas as to why this is happening, so I’ll explain that a little first before diving into advice.

The workplace, especially the traditional workplace, is designed by and for men. Long hours and inflexible schedules tend to prohibit mothers from moving up the ladder like their male counterparts. Traditional communication methods discourage women from speaking up without being perceived as aggressive, shrill, or bossy. Failing to provide family leave or daycare solutions further discourages women from entering and excelling in the workplace, or if they do, it disproportionately hits women in the wallet. Sexual harassment, by and large, victimizes and traumatizes women.

All these challenges make it hard for women to succeed in the workplace.Understanding these challenges is necessary for us to understand where our fellow woman is coming from. My first suggestion is that you update how you view your fellow woman based on the above challenges, if you haven’t already. Viewing other women through the lens of struggle has caused me to dramatically change how I treat other women. I recognize how the patriarchy has framed us to work against one another. I also recognize that my fellow women are having to work harder to earn the same amount as their corresponding male colleagues. When I began to understand these concepts, I developed sympathy and solidarity. Often times, the women we perceive as the aggressors or “cold-hearted B’s” are actually feeling many of the same feelings we are. Operating from a defensive position can be outwardly manifested in many unflattering ways. Understanding this can help us change our approach.

Okay, so now that we’ve done some view shifting, now for the action portion. Of course, you can always speak to your boss or HR about these issues. By the book, that’s the solution. And sometimes it works. I”ve found these means to be ineffective, personally, so coming up with creative solutions is just part of being a woman. In this case, here’s what I’d do. I’d start by befriending one of the women in the office. Whoever that is. Build trust. This will take time. Use this opportunity and trust-building period to not speak ill of the other women you work with. As you build a relationship with your colleague, start bringing other women into the fold. Begin the trust building with them. Once you’ve established relationships, if that’s possible, start talking to them about the dynamic that’s been created in your office where men are all in management, where women are not, and how it’s unknowingly pitted you all against each other. In numbers, there’s power; there’s safety; and there’s strength. You’d be surprised at what a group of woke women who are on the same page can accomplish. In fact, I’ve experienced a similar scenario in past jobs, and I can tell you with certainty that this technique worked for me.

Best of luck to you, friend.

Bonded Editors