You're Not Brutally Honest. You're An Asshole.

What if being “brutally honest” doesn’t make you a good friend? What if, instead, it just makes you an asshole?

I am not here to encourage lying to those around you. Nor do I discredit or devalue a much needed honest opinion from my nearest and dearest. I am just wondering if, perhaps, we spend too much time focusing on being “truth speakers,” and not enough energy on things like empathy, compassion, and cutting those around us some slack.

The deal is this: of course, there are times when a tough truth must be told, especially if you truly care about someone. Those are not the times I am referring to. I am talking about the urge to point out every wardrobe mishap, the snarky snap back to any snotty tone or bad mood, the insatiable desire to dole out unsolicited advice and immediately point out how right you were in the end. I am talking about being a jerk and following it up with “I’m just being honest…It’s my truth.” [insert smiley emoji; insert peace sign emoji] No, the emojis do not make it better. You are still an asshole; don’t kid yourself.

I deeply cherish my most authentic relationships, but I do not believe those are necessarily my most brutally honest relationships. I can’t tell you the comfort and gratefulness I experience when a friend decides to excuse my moment of indiscretion, bitchiness, or poor judgement, and instead they just accept me. Accept me in my moment, give me a pass, and allow me to start fresh and guilt-free the next day. Because, if we are being honest, we all have those moments! The gift of understanding is not only something I want to receive, but it is something I make a point to afford to my friends as well. If I know you, really know you, then I know when it is just a bad day, or even week. I am going to do my best to give you the benefit of the doubt. To give you the break I would want.

I can hear the “but what if…” starting already. No, I don’t want anyone to be a doormat. No, I don’t think a friend should get to act out without any consequences. And, no, I don’t think you should have to hide all your feelings. I just believe we can come so much farther in our relationships by slowing down and asking ourselves “is it worth it? Does this help them? Or only hurt them?” When you can, I urge you, give your friend a pass. It is one of the most kind and authentic things you can do. Show compassion for our human condition. We need the truth when it matters and there are certainly times when it does. I proffer, that if we save our “truth bombs” for those important moments, and don’t go through life constantly bulldozing those around us with our uncensored candor, we are likely to be more readily received when it counts.

By covering up nasty remarks and unrealistic expectations of perfection from our friends with phrases like “just saying” or “can’t help I’m brutally honest” we are justifying a severe lack of tolerance and compromise that is essential to any long-term friendship. I want my friends to have strong voices and passionate convictions but also hope they can offer kindness and patience. The friend that is always scolding, always criticizing, always nit-picking, offering their judgemental opinions in the name of honesty, is not a friend -- they are an asshole.