6 Creative & Nonviolent Ways Women Are Fighting Back

...Against Harassers And Rapists And Metaphorically Chopping Off Their Penises.

Gals, have the past weekend’s political uncoverings and subsequent awkward debate-nightmare got you down? If watching a presidential candidate brag about sexually assaulting women or observing a former president’s accusers stare him down a mere twenty feet away isn’t exactly your cup of tea, I feel you. And then I thought about it. It all makes perfect sense: almost every woman I know has been a victim of sexual harassment or sexual assault or rape. The fact that two of the most powerful men in the world are (or were) accused of such odious acts should not be surprising. But it is. I will never be able to stomach rapes, sexual assaults, or sexual harassment being “normal.”

With such heinous crimes happening literally every two minutes, you’d think reporting would be extra easy and frequent. You can’t hear me, but I’m laughing loudly and sarcastically. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), less than 35% of rapes are reported to police; only 0.7% of rapes result in a felony conviction; and only 0.6% of rapes result in physical jail time. Yes, that is a decimal before those last two statistics. So you’re wondering why women don’t report? Because nothing happens, and we’re branded as liars and exaggerators. I mean, shit, y’all. As an outspoken, decently self-assured, female attorney, even I couldn’t even get my former workplace to do much of anything about about my creepy sexual harassers.

With Human Resources, law enforcement, and the judicial system failing the majority of us, many women have taken the law into their own hands. I’m lookin’ at you, Lorena Bobbitt. If you don’t remember her, she lopped off her rapist’s penis back in the 90’s. Good times. And while the 90’s are certainly making a comeback (HAY!), I don’t actually condone violence in any form. So, I started snooping around the interwebs for inspiring (is that the word?), creative, nonviolent tactics that women have utilized to enact revenge upon their rapists and harassers. Just another day at the office!

What I uncovered was nothing short of scintillating. Here are six nonviolent ways women have enacted revenge on their harassers and assailants:

#1 Glitter Bombed Them

Tactic: In 2011, we witnessed the birth of a number of things: the royal wedding, the rise of Adele, and Charlie Sheen’s invention of the phrase “winning.” What a year. It’s no surprise that the birth of glitter-bombing didn’t make front-page news. And who else to bring such a practice into the world than Newt Gingrich? How does glitter bombing work, you ask? Glitter bombing has historically entailed merely (even gently!) tossing glitter onto your assailant, and letting the glitter do the work. For gals who are more into results and less into confrontation, there’s the classic dumping-glitter-all-over-the-assailant's-office technique.

Upside: GLITTER. And you become an instant member of the Glitterati, the lesser known step-cousin-twice-removed of the Illuminati.

Downside: It is, at the very least, assault and battery. So it could potentially be legal nightmare after the fact, whether that be in the criminal courts or the tortious ones.

#2 Made Their Face Into A Meme

Tactic: With so few men (particularly men of privilege) accused of rape seeing the inside of a courtroom, much less a jail, women turned to the internet. The most memorable and viral rapist meme was most certainly that of Brock Turner, a 20-year old Stanford student convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster in 2015. Judge Aaron Persky sentenced Turner to only six months in prison, which was ultimately reduced to three months in prison for “good behavior.” The year prior saw dozens of women accuse Bill Cosby of rape and sexual assault, dating back as far as the early days of his career. While it felt like the courts did almost nothing in response, the internet seemingly exploded in the only way the internet knows how: memes. Women everywhere began creating memes utilizing professional photos or mugshots of their assailants with titles like: “Hello -- I am Brock Allen Turner -- I Rape Unconscious Women,” “Pill Cosby,” or “Stare Directly At The Sweater -- You Are Getting Very Sleepy.”

Upside: Hilarity, mostly. Memes have a tendency to go viral, and often use comedy to make a serious point, a method that is highly effective in the internet age.

Downside: A defamation lawsuit. Remember how I mentioned that very few harassers/rapists are actually convicted? Without that conviction, you open yourself up to a host of legal problems.

#3 Set Up An Instagram Account Of Their Unwanted Messages

Tactic: Last year, after a decade of dealing with abusive, threatening, and demeaning remarks on social media, professional violinist, Mia Matsumiya, decided to take back control of the situation. She created an Instagram account, @perv_magnet, where she’s archived over 1000 screenshotted unsolicited messages to her from “creeps, weirdos & fetishists over the past 10 years.” Currently, she has over 65,000 followers.

Upside: Screenshotting via social media is magical and amazing, because it’s the person’s exact words. It’s also a very public way of calling out a harasser.

Downside: It could bring an onslaught of more online abuse to the person who reposts the messages. Also, as with the memes, care needs to be taken with any accompanying language to the screenshot for the same reasons as the aforementioned memes. A defamation lawsuit is a breath away in many of these situations.

#4 Sent Their Creepy, Unsolicited Messages To Said Person’s Significant Other

Tactic: Earlier this year, Australian supermodel, Emily Sears, hit her breaking point with online sexual harassment. Between the disgusting messages and barrage of daily dick pics (two per day, at a minimum), Emily decided to turn her frustration into action: she started sending screenshots of the photos and lewd messages to the harassers’ significant others. In an interview with Buzzfeed, Emily explained how often she clicks on the harasser’s profiles, only to see picture after picture with their wives or girlfriends. “We have to keep telling the guys why what they’re doing is wrong. I’m pretty sure when a guy sends me a dick pic and I respond with a screenshot of his girlfriend’s Facebook and a message that says, ‘How is your girlfriend gonna feel when she sees this is how you treat women?’ they’re probably not gonna do it again any time soon.”

Upside: Like I said, screenshots are wonderful, magical truth bearers.

Downside: Increased harassment for the victim online. The same care should be taken around wording, as aforementioned. ‘Cause defamation lawsuits are expensive and time-consuming at a minimum.

#5 Hired A Witch To Hex Them

Tactic: Of all the various planes that I operate on, the metaphysical is my preferred. I keep a bowl of crystals by my computer (Rose quartz = bae); I’ve been known to huff essential oils when I’m stressed; and I may or may not own a copy of Women’s Little Book of Hexes. Judge away. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I’m not afraid to use them. Neither is Melanie Elizabeth Hexen (MOST PERTINENT LAST NAME EVER), a midwife, belly dance instructor, and practicing witch, located in Wilton, Iowa. On June 7, 2016, she and her local coven, made up of 13 women, along with 600 virtual attendees, hexed Brock Turner (aforementioned) from their various locales. Most of the hexes focused on impotence, but some women cast positive spells in honor of victims of sexual assault. Many of the witches who took part in the event were victims themselves.

Upside: Casting spells is empowering, especially for women, as many covens only invite women to practice. They’re usually pretty easy, cheap, and don’t necessarily require that you have contact with the accused. Win-win!

Downside: You’re either going to need to enlist the help of a practicing witch, or learn how on your own. I don’t (currently) live at Hogwarts, and South Carolina isn’t exactly teeming with witch covens, so I had to learn for myself.

#6 Made Lemonade Out Of Lemons

Tactic: In March of this year, geobiology professor and scientist, A. Hope Jahren penned an article for the NY Times detailing excerpts and examples of unwanted sexual advances from male colleagues at her university. She posited that due to the sheer magnitude of these occurrences, women shy away from working in the science and technology fields. In an effort to make lemonade out of lemons (even if it’s still sour as fuck and barely drinkable), Loyola biology student (at the time) Emily Temple-Wood began writing a Wikipedia entry for a female scientist each time she received a harassing email. As you can imagine, she’s written hundreds of articles. Check them out here.

Upside: Writing and researching about cool women is fun!

Downside: It’s also tedious, and it took folks a long time to take notice of Jahren’s time-consuming and noble efforts.

Since there’s exactly a zero percent chance that our woman bodies will just “shut the whole thing down,” and we’re going to need to tackle the sexual harrassment-sexual assault-rape crisis head-on, I hope you find these preceding tactics helpful, if not at least humorous. And humor, as we all know, is half the battle in survival.

Resources for rape/sexual assault here.

Resources for sexual harassment here.

Editor’s note: I am not suggesting you actually employ any of these tactics. This article is meant to be entertaining, funny, and possibly inspiring, in that you may think of new ways to handle a very difficult subject. Moreover, while I am a lawyer, I am not your lawyer. You should not take any part or portion of this article as legal advice.